суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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In my whole life, I have known dad as my supporter, my advisor, my chef, my driver, my joker, my exercising instructor, my financial guru, sometimes he seemed to be a prick in my eye...not in a mean way, but just when we couldnapos;t see eye to eye. He was the reason I�am here to live in aus. He was the one who gave me the opportunity to leave the country and venture on my own. He left me alone to search for myself the wisdom, the courage and the maturity I required in order to see me grow. He gave me hope and he wanted the best for me, my brother..my sis.

I�rmb the first time he slapped me hard ...real hard across my face because I was rude to him. I�remembered the tears and his hand prints on my flushed cheeks. And I thought I�would never had forgiven him for that. He never like birthdays, never like festive seasons, never like presents. Once I�wanted to buy him a present for his bapos;day, he said apos;why waste the money?apos; Few times, we bought mom gifts, he forbid that too. From then on, I convinced myself that he will never accept gifts. So I stopped buying things for him. I stopped thinking about him on his bdays. I�stopped calling him on his bapos;days. He stopped working ever since his own construction partnership fell apart. He was diagnosed with diabetes shortly afterwards. And he soon became our apos;momapos;. He stayed home, cooked, washed and take us to school in the mornings.

The year when I�graduated from polytechnic, he asked me if I�wanted to further my studies in Aus. I�said yes, but I�wasnapos;t sure if I�was strong enough to handle the long distance from family �friends and the independence abroad. He still he pushed me into it. And before I�knew it, I was off to Perth two months after I�graduated. Life got tough in perth, I was scared, lonely and struggling with my self confidence. I�got miserable and asked myself why did I agree to do it.

Time flew by and I�finished uni. I struggled to find myself a job. Yet, he convinced me to stay a while longer and to persevere. I did. For nine f*cking months I�was in and out of depression.

Then things got better, got a job, financially I�begun to do really well. Got a car with my savings. Got to know more people. Socially, I�was doing well. Got a boyfriend who loved me. Got rid of my f*cking housemates.... All the time while dad got worse off with his mental health. He seemed weird at times. Over suspicious and making claims that seemed all too bizarre.

As a daughter, I�have already apos;leftapos; him in some ways I have way neglected him. I�never knew what he chose to go through all these years. When times are bad, I�knew only to blame dad. When times are good, I forgot about him totally. If thereapos;s something that I�can do, I would say I�am sorry for many things that were left unsaid and undone. I�am so sorry dad.

But I have promised myself to do something about it now and I want to show you that I love you dad.

I�have never seen him cry. And if he did, I wished I�could see it because that will break the coldness that he had held inside for the last 20 years against his family, his wife, his children and himself.

Please get better dad.

I will call more often - I promised.
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